no idea that somewhere out there in the world was a baby girl named wendi who would one day save his life. [laughter] but it wasn't just her ultimate fighting skills that captivated a nation. it was the clear displeasure that she took in listening to those who would question her husband. that is a look that says, "easy, girls. your time is near." that is a scowl. the last time i saw a look of disapproval that even came close the that is when welly geist stared down mark halperin after halperin called president obama

a dick. >> i became part of the joke, but that's no excuse. i made a mistake, and i'm sorry. i shouldn't have said it. [laughter] >> jon: i wonder if wendi deng would approve of willie geist's scowl. no. seriously, her scowl puts his scowl... makes his scowl almost look like approval. you know what that means, scowl-off. let me try. here we go. oh, boy, i feel terrible. rushing this morning to get a cab, and i accidentally knocked someone over. i know, willie, bad. i'm sorry. although many my defense, pregnant people take up a lot of room, and... oh, oh. anyway, that was rupert murdoch. what about england's second most

powerful man, david cameron, whose hiring of the former "news of the world" editor andy colson as his press secretary despite colson having resigned in the first round of "news of the world" accusations. >> crunch time for david cameron. lawmakers are determined to ask him questions about what many consider an uncomfortably close relationship between him and rupert murdoch's empire. cameron ended a trip to africa early to make this appearance. >> jon: wow. ended a trip to be openly questioned by parliament. okay. i'll bite. if he's willing to do this, i imagine it's pretty cushy and life, all crumpets and coffee wag hers. >> can you now explain why he failed to act on clear information and why those around him built a wall of silence between the facts and the prime minister? >> what action if any was taken to investigate what appears to have been disgraceful and

illegal conduct close to the heart of government? >> can he tell us whether he has any other dodgy characters in number ten? >> did the prime minister want to be kept in the dark, or is he angry with his chief of staff? >> i'm still waiting for a reply. >> he obviously cannot smell a rat when he has one in his midst >> all: yeah. [laughter and applause] >> jon: that was awesome! that's your c-span? that is [bleeped] awesome. >> i would like the prime minister to inform us if that is, in fact, his head or rather if his head is on his shoulders. i yield the remainder of my time to the representative from east

north southen shire shire shire. that is awesome. i know how i'd respond to that kind of question. i imagine the prime minister never had a chance. >> i know many people were hoping for some great allegation yesterday that could add to their fevered conspiracy theories. i'm just disappointed for them that they didn't get one. i have an old-fashioned view about innocent until proven guilty. i've answered this question once already. i can set the answer to music if you like. just once in a while it would be nice to hear a little batted squeak of responsibility from the party. i don't recall every single conversation i had, and you'd be mad to try and pretend that you do. >> jon: england is awesome! that guy killed it. wow. [cheering and applause] wow. hey, remember when someone yelled "you lie" at our state of

the union and everybody's like, what has become of us as a people? this is the prime minister of england down in the pit taking on all comers. [bleeped] me. no, [bleeped] you. this is unbelievable. i tell you what, you know what we got to do in this country? start eating some [bleeped] tea and eating some [bleeped] finger sandwiches. and this guy cut short a foreign trip just for the privilege of it. our guy starts a war, we can still only get him on voice mail. >> president obama's directing u.s. military action against libya while continuing his trade mission to south america. a national security team accompanied him in brazil sunday where he played soccer with children from a violence-ravaged slum. >> well, american people need to know that we're bombing another country. i'll talk to them in due time,

and... goooooalllllll. and if there were preconditions on cameron's questioning, it sure as hell didn't show. remember when the 9/11 commission had the audacity to want to ask pertinent questions to our then-president and vice president? >> first of all, the president and vice president will not be under oath. there will be no official transcripts for the history books, no recording of this either. president at the president's meeting is the chief counsel and white house lawyers. they will take notes. >> jon: also, everyone's got to wear blinding folds. no bright light, nah. room's got to smell like cinnamon. no candles. no real long words. i got to have a bell of dead mietion -- mice already skinned and seasoned. here's what's sad.

we fought so hard the leave britain because of their unaccountable imperial leadership. now look at us. [bleeped]. laftd laughter we'll be right back.

>> jon: welcome back. you know, with all this hullabaloo of what's going on, i have neglected to mention last week's women's world cup. our u.s. team unbelievable. up believable. ultimately they lost in the final to japan, but their play throughout the tournament was outstanding, and as a former player and sometimes lady, the goal that they scored in injury time against brazil to tie one of the greatest goals i've ever seen in world cup history. take a look. >> a pinot gets across towards

wambach. can you believe it? abby wambach has saved the u.s.a.'s life in this world cup. >> jon: wambach, goooooalllllll. you know what, though, i got to tell you, it's not the same when you see it in the highlight as seeing it live. to see it... excuse me for a minute. i'm just going to... to my changing closet. [laughter] hey, hey, everyone. hey, ladies. >> just ignore him. >> oh, is he coming this way? >> ladies, here's what i want. i want brazil injury time magic. give me a little of that. on three, let's do this.

[dramatic music and cheering] ladies, what are we doing? what is this? is this because it's basic cable? no, give me the band. >> you want this? >> give me the band. lady, let's do this. >> jon: i'm so open. i'm so open. >> is he dead? >> no, maybe concussed, though. let's get out of here. older girl: got my uniform on. young boy: my polo's lookin' fly! young girl: we're all dressed for show and tell. mom: and it's only july! kids: july?! anncr: who's ready for school? old navy khakis from $12 dollars, polos from $5.50.

riding the dog like it's a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment! luckily though, ya know, i conceal this bad boy underneath my blanket just so i can get on e-trade. check my investment portfolio, research stocks... wait, why are you taking... oh, i see...solitary. just a man and his thoughts. and a smartphone... with an e-trade app. ♪ nobody knows... [ male announcer ] e-trade. investing unleashed. >> welcome back. my guest tonight, an actor in crazy stupid love. >> i got the report on the end of the year financials. >> good, good, really great. >> okay. >> seriously. >> all right. okay. >> seriously.

>> who told you that emily and i are getting divorced? >> amy heard you crying in the bathroom. we all thought it was cancer. >> oh, thank god, man. >> jon: please welcome back to the program mr. steve carell. [cheering and applause] first of all, i'm going to say something to you, and i mean this sincerely. i know this is a difficult time for you with "the office" and everything that happened. david letterman once said something very important to me, and i think it's important to say to you.

don't confuse cancellation with failure. you're not a failure. >> well, the show didn't get canceled. the show continues. >> jon: so there's like a charlie sheen thing. they just decided... >> i was fired. >> cut the dead weight. >> i was fired from the show. >> jon: i'm so sorry. does ashton kutcher take your role? >> he does. he's going to multitask. i miss you so much. >> jon: i miss you, as well. [audience reacts] wow, three's company. backstage is vance degeneres, our old correspondent working with steve in a producing role, and it's so great the see vans. i hadn't seen him and your lovely wife nancy who is also backstage and the dallas cowboy cheerleaders also backstage and the band, the marching band. you roll deep. you roll heavy. i think that's important. what's going down? what is this "crazy stupid

love." ryan goes goesling. is he the other guy? >> he is extremely, extremely handsome. but he is as good looking on the inside as the outside. he's a great guy. super nice. and nobody cares. nobody cares how nice actors are. nobody cares how much fun you had doing a movie. we had the best time. we laughed. nobody gives a... >> jon: did he sign your yearbook afterwards? >> yeah. >> jon: wow. you're in love. we tried desperately. this is so interesting that you bring this up. we tried desperately to get ryan goesling. we wanted him desperately for this movie. he's the guy that we really wanted. we called the publicist of the movie and the director and we said, boy, ryan goesling looks great in this. can he come do the show, and they said, well, i think only

one guy from the movie, and we go, yeah, no, can we get ryan? and... [laughter] so your new movie is a comedy about love. are you all right? [laughter] >> i forgive you. >> jon: do you? >> i do. jon june you know what, i've been waiting ten years to hear those words. >> remember that thing? >> jon: we were just talking about. this we should do a reunion and get everybody together. >> i think that's a great idea. i would love to. [cheering and applause] >> jon: and have a huge... hold on. a huge untelevised party. [laughter] televised party and then here's what i was thinking of doing, all the old correspondents and i pile you up on the floor, and i let the audience [bleeped] you silly.

[cheering and applause] >> that is a deal! >> jon: how is life out there? now, not having a show every week to do that, do you feel... are you in any way driving yourself crazy? are you wandering santa monica like a crazy person? what are you doing with your life? >> you know, they go back to work in about a week, so i'll know then. it's going to be weird. it was weird leaving "the daily show" because i have so many friends here, and it's the same with "the office." >> jon: no. >> what? >> jon: no, no, no, i was saying something like, do you remember that girl that fell in the well? >> what? >> jon: i meant that you had a lot of... >> i have such good feelings about this place, and what you're doing is you're twisting them. >> jon: what? >> no. >> jon: i'm telling you... >> i come back, and it's so nice to see everybody, and i see you. >> and they're happy, too. >> you're papa bear. we come back and nancy's here.

and papa bear is here. we come home to papa bear. and he just smacks us around a little bit. but we like it. because we love him. >> it is... i'm telling you, we could have a hell of a picnic. do you remember... we used to have these stupid little going away parties like every six months. the correspondents were all so talented. they'd be over six months and hollywood would be like thank you. and we'd have these dopey going away parties at that little bar over on 11th avenue and they're like a mare yaw chi band and we would all talk about how much we love each other and then i was telling these guys, i feel like the lame seventh grade teacher and like they all come back, and i'm like, so you're working at the white house now? yeah, no, it's cool. i'm teaching a separate piece. >> no, i mean, this is like

coming home. it really is. and i think everybody feels that way. and i've worked with ed helms. i just worked with rob corddry and i saw mo rocca last night. we all feel the same way. we have great affection. jon yawn that's so nice because i have not seen any of those people, and i'm just glad that obviously for everyone else that life goes on. i mean, that's great. >> if you're doing... if you are doing any sort of reunion, i am in. i want to do a field piece, whatever you want me to do. >> jon: it would be nice for papa bear. it's nice when you wake up from hibernation to see the other bears and not just [bleeped] dead fish lying all over the cave. >> i love you, papa bear. >> jon: "crazy stupid love" is in theaters july 29th. steve carell. [cheering and applause]

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join us tomorrow night at 11:00. here it is, your moment of zen. >> we were looking at going...

reverting into a depression at that point. everyone, the fed chairman... >> i don't agree that we were going into a depression. >> captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome to the "report," everybody! change for joining us. (crowd chanting "stephen")

(cheers and applause) nicely done. nicely done. yes. thank you so much. welcome to the "report," everybody. thank you for joining us. thank you in here; out there. and, folks, this crawl down here is my way of thanking these heroes for donating to my super pac. each and every one of them is as precious to me as one of my children who has given money to me. (laughter) folks, this year colbert nation is going to be a player in the election. now, i'm on record as saying i think newt gingrich is the guy. (laughter) but i think i may have to eat a little crow. or whatever it is that newt's been eating. (laughter) i'm going to say oreo cakesters. (laughter) the former speaker of the house

announced his candidacy back in may and he hasn't been seen much since apart from a guest spot on c-span's "i love the '90s." (laughter) now newt's been struggling in the polls, he lost most of his staff, then he lost the rest of his staff. (laughter) and to top it off he lost the startup disk for his wife. (laughter and applause) it keeps beach balling. now, folks, there's been more bad news. according to records filed with the f.e.c., newt's campaign is one million dollars in debt. folks, this is perfectly understandable. newt has major expenses. for instance, he spent $800,000 on his campaign web site. (laughter) now, sure, newt could have had his nine-year-old nephew design a web site and all he'd have to have paid him was one of his

oreo snacksers-- snacksters, cakesters. but for 800k grand large, out got one flashy state-of-the-art interactive cyber web portal net. look! it's got a logo and it's clearly photo capable. (laughter) it's got a "donate" button. a "donate today" button. another "donate to support the campaign" button and a "donate now" button. so clearly... (laughter and applause) clearly the core message is getting out. still, i can't figure out why $800,000... wait a minute... is that a facebook share icon? (laughter) those aren't cheep! so clearly every penny accounted for. but the rest of newt debt stems from his frequent private jet travel, like the $400,000 he presently owes moby dick airways. (laughter) at